Struggle of conception / My Preemie

My Preemie

June 9, 2017

I had taken the kids and ran to Walmart that morning. When we got home I made everyone lunch. I'm going to skip the gory details for our sensitive readers. Let's just say my water broke and I called my husbands work to tell them I needed him to come home. 

I wasn't yet 34 weeks so I was in a panic. When he got home we ran off to the hospital where I sat for two days on my right hip (because that is where they got the best heart rate for him) taking a steroid shot to the bottom every 24 hours. Let me tell you they hurt! My stay was pretty uneventful so far...

June 11, 2017

I woke up when the nurse came in to do my regular every hour vitals etc. She wanted me to move around a little. She couldn't find babies heart beat and when she did it was low. Moving me again... still low. I could see the panic in her eyes as she started hitting buttons paging more nurses. Soon the room was swarming with them! She told me in a panic that I needed to call my husband and tell him they were prepping me for emergency C-section as she threw an oxygen mask on my face.

It wasn't but a minute it seemed like and I was no longer in my room. I wasn't sure where I was... Everything was blurry and I felt like I was in a fog. The next thing I remember was my husband talking but I to this day can't tell you what it was or if I answered. It was a while before I was able to function enough to speak with anyone. Our little boy was here and I wanted to see him. I was upset because everyone had been to see him already and I still hadn't. How silly to feel that way because there wasn't really an everyone! My husband and my mom were there. Doesn't really qualify for everyone. 

Thankfully he did not need oxygen or anything else. He was 3 lbs 15 oz and very tiny but healthy. The hospital did not have NICU but they did have a special care nursery. My husband said he walked into the hospital just in time to hear our son's first cry. I was thankful for that. Our dude spent the next 3 weeks in the special nursery. He was on a feeding tube for a while and had small breathing episodes. 

It was the most awful feeling a mother could ever have to have to leave and go home everyday without her little peanut. I went twice a day to visit and drop off milk. I was exhausted and sad. 

I wanted to add this to my blog because I know how other mothers feel now when something like this happens. I wanted to reach out and add some links to this page. Resources, support, and personal stories.

There are so many mothers just like I was hunting for answers and support. When will your baby come home? How long did your little one stay? What issues were you facing? How did you cope? 

So please if you are reading this and have been through this tell your story. Hopefully another mother in need of advice or someone who is looking for a similar situation to theirs will find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Information and Support


March of Dimes - A Fighting Chance for Every Baby

Grahams Foundation - Fighting for Premature Babies

Hand to Hand Support

What to Expect - Premature Babies 101

BabyCenter - Premature Baby

Breastfeeding Basics

John Hopkin's Kangaroo Care

Kangaroo Care - Benefits

The Struggle of Conception

I have always wanted a large family. I grew up in a family of 5. That to me was fairly large. Don't get me wrong my sisters and I had our differences. We also had our fights but in the end I knew that they were always there for me if I needed a shoulder to cry on. At 34 I still feel the same way. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone.

I had my first pregnancy in 2008 that ended badly... I struggled to get back on solid ground and pull myself together. After that we had split as the relationship had also gone sour. What a terrible time in my life. But at the end of 2008 I had met the man who I would fall in love with and who would always be there for me. He grew up not far from where I did and knew some people that I knew.

I had met him once during a visit with our mutual friends. I thought he was so handsome but I kept it to myself. Not long after we had ran into each other at the local bar and had a few drinks together. I remember from that time on we never left each others side. It was an instant connection and I knew this would be the man I'd be with until death to us part.

We didn't date long before we found out I was pregnant. It was quite a shock and not planned but we were happy all the same. Already having one bad pregnancy in the past I was a total mess. I feared the worst at all times and relayed all of this to my new Dr. He was a terrific Dr and considered all of my concerns. During the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy we had a ton of ultrasounds and tests just to be sure everything was ok. My pregnancy progressed great. His mom went with me when I had my gender ultrasound and found out we were having a boy. This was the time around 20 weeks my nerves stood on end. We made it though! I was 2 days past my due date when labor started and we had a healthy little boy. We named him Levi.

It wasn't long after we got married and discussed having more children. He had 2 daughters when we met. They were 7 and 8 at the time. But we decided one more would be fulfilling. So in 2013 we decided to try for another. We figured we got pregnant with our son pretty easily and it wouldn't be an issue. Maybe my first baby was a one time thing... We tried for months and months with nothing. Then months turned into a year and still nothing....

By late 2013 I was sad and disappointed. I decided to join an online TTC group on babycenter and dip my hand into learning more about how conception works, how to track, and how to time things. After a year of trying and then trying everything I knew to try... we finally got pregnant again. I found out not long after my missed period. At 12 weeks we lost it... So we tried again. A few months later we fell pregnant again. At 10 weeks we lost it as well.... I couldn't understand why? Why me? Why us? We were good parents.

We decided to try yet again. This time I went overboard and all out. I wanted another child and this ridiculous body was not going to stop me! I used BBT therm and took my temp every morning. I ate better, exercised, I used ovulation tests, I was doing everything by now. I was completely broken hearted after months and months of all of this. Taking tests every month only to see just one line yet again. I felt stretched beyond my means, stressed, broken. OMG What was wrong with me?! My sisters both got pregnant right away. No miscarriages in their past (not that I would wish that on them. Later my youngest sister did have a miscarriage. I was her shoulder and understood her pain) It was so easy for them to get pregnant and carry to term. Why couldn't I be so lucky?

Unless you have struggled with conception could you understand the heartache as every month passes and your still at ground one.

FINALLY I took my regular monthly test and I saw the faintest line ever seen by the naked eye! I thought maybe after so many months my eyes were playing tricks on me. I waited for my husband to get home and he thought for sure I had lost my mind. I twisted it and turned it every which way hoping it darker.

I waited another day after that to take another test. I was terrified the next test would be negative and it really was my eyes. It was a line for sure. I tried to get excited like when I found out I was pregnant with my son. But I just couldn't. If I did then terrible things would happen.

I called my Dr and set up an appt. He seen me at 7 weeks. That's unusual most won't see you until 12. We ran test after test. I remember my first visit not only did I pee in their cup I also donated 15 vials of blood to the cause. We took things slow and never got too excited. I started asprin low dose to avoid blood clots and we waited. I continued to work and go about life as normal. Soon 12 weeks had arrived... Then 20. We found out it was a girl! I was stoked because I always wanted a daughter.

I was in utter shock when 20 weeks came and went. By 37 weeks I felt more calm. I was finally happy and excited and ready. We had previously told everyone we were expecting and then miscarried so we told no one this time until close to 16 weeks. We did no announcements just told family and such. If something bad were to happen I couldn't bare to receive all of those 'I'm sorry's' again. All of the people talking about how bad they feel for you. I couldn't go through that again.

Our daughter was born right before Christmas 2015. The best Christmas present one could ever receive!

We decided after all of the heartbreak and heartache we would not try again anytime soon. I went back to my job catering and started working at the local gas station. Things got normal again.

I soon felt myself struggling to keep a smile. I was in constant panic mode and having irregular heart beat. I called my Dr and she gave me meds for my anxiety. I wasn't myself and I couldn't figure out why. She called it post partum depression. How silly considering how long it had been since I had our daughter. She was over a year old!! Not long after my appointment I realized I had missed a period as well. Maybe it wasn't post partum. Maybe it was menopause...

I was digging in the bathroom cabinet looking for hair goop. I can never find anything in there. I found an old pregnancy test and decided ah ok. I was in SHOCK when I seen that second line! Not a eye cruncher line... I mean dark blazing no denying line. How on earth could that be??? We had tried for so long before! Now this? I again did not get excited. As soon as I get excited something happens. We can't get excited....

This pregnancy really got the best of me. I was miserable. I continued to work both of my jobs. I slowed down for nothing. The anxiety hung around, the irregular heart beat got worse, heartburn, and severe pain in my stomach like the baby was going to bust out of me.

At 20 weeks we found out he was a boy! At 33 weeks he joined us. He will be 2 months on the 11th and is happy and healthy. Growing great.

As much as we love ALL of our kids... I don't think we could handle another bump. Maybe him but not me. I'm shook up. The struggle of trying to conceive. The heartbreak of miscarriage. The sadness of being the mother of a preemie you can't take home.

If you have faced these battles just know. You are not alone.

If you are facing them now... be strong as this too shall pass. You are not alone. I found comfort in groups. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed to ask questions and get answers from someone who knew. Someone who had been here before. Do not try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Reach out.